"All is fair in love and war" and I feel like you are a rogue state.

     When did it start? When we met?

          I sent her a message on a late October night.
          We hit it off from there.

     Everything is fine for a while.

          Until it isn't.
          Five months have passed. We've shared our fears, our weaknesses...
          I tried comforting her through the hard times.
          In trying to become a cure for her addictions, I simply replaced them.
          She's scared of getting too close and getting hurt when inevitably
          we have to part ways.
          I'm hurt. Need time to think for a week. Can't keep hoping for something
          that'll just never come. I can't keep investing my time and energy in
          being there for her when she isn't there for me.
          She won't ever make me forget this time apart.

     Crying, at my doorstep.

          That's where I found her when I came back from high school on that
          fateful March day.
          I don't want this.
          - "Please leave."
            "I don't want to talk about this now."
          We started talking again a few days later. Under the condition that she
          wouldn't keep on talking about things that would give me hope, bring me
          closer to her, if she wasn't ready to return the energy and affection
          I would expend.

     She ignored that part of the agreement.

          Constantly, I'd be there as emotional support. I'd help her with school
          work, talk about her uncertain future. I tried being reassuring.
          Meanwhile, I was slowly feeling worse and worse about myself.
          I never got any of that affection returned to me. I'd invite her out,
          hoping that if she stuck close to me for this long then I might still
          have a chance to be there for her and her to be there for me.

     We would get into fights.

          Berating me. I'm the one in the wrong. It's my fault. All of it is
          because I couldn't shut my mouth and accept this asymetrical
          relationship back in February.
          Every time, I'd come back.
          Perserverance? Stupidity?
          I still don't know to this day.
          I'd be there for her during hard times.
          I still never got a pinch of affection.

     I feel used.

          It's been a year now. October is coming to an end. A year and it all
          feels useless. Time I wasted. People I could've met. All wasted because
          I believed in someone not worth believing in.
          I had faith in her.
          I asked her why she refused to spend time with me when it wasn't about
          conforting her and helping her with school.
          She told me that she'd rather wait and that she was still hurt because
          of what happened 8 months ago.
          I felt like she wasn't ever going to give me a try.
          She was just stringing me along for help and personal gain but had
          no intention of letting me back into her life.
          That feels so fucking pernicious.

     Why would someone use me for personal gratification? Was it something I did?

As I say my last goodbyes. I wonder.
Is all really fair in love and war? Or was it all a mirage?

— Louis Dalibard, 10/27/2022. 12:25PM.