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30 <div class="section section-left" id="section-one">
31 <div class="section-title">All is fair in love and war.</div>
32 <div class="section-text">
33 "All is fair in love and war" and I feel like you are a rogue state.<br /><br />
34 When did it start? When we met?<br /><br />
35 I sent her a
36 message on a late October night.<br />
37 We hit it
38 off from there.<br /><br />
39
40 Everything is fine for a while.<br /><br />
41
42 Until it
43 isn't.<br />
44 Five months
45 have passed. We've shared our fears, our weaknesses...<br />
46 I tried
47 comforting her through the hard times.<br />
48 In trying to
49 become a cure for her addictions, I simply replaced them.<br />
50 She's scared
51 of getting too close and getting hurt when inevitably<br />
52 we have to
53 part ways.<br />
54 I'm hurt.
55 Need time to think for a week. Can't keep hoping for something<br />
56 that'll just
57 never come. I can't keep investing my time and energy in<br />
58 being there
59 for her when she isn't there for me.<br />
60 She won't
61 ever make me forget this time apart.<br /><br />
62
63 Crying, at my doorstep.<br /><br />
64
65 That's where
66 I found her when I came back from high school on that<br />
67 fateful
68 March day.<br />
69 I don't want
70 this.<br />
71 - "Please
72 leave."<br />
73 "I
74 don't want to talk about this now."<br />
75 We started
76 talking again a few days later. Under the condition that she<br />
77 wouldn't
78 keep on talking about things that would give me hope, bring me<br />
79 closer to
80 her, if she wasn't ready to return the energy and affection<br />
81 I would
82 expend.<br /><br />
83
84 She ignored that part of the agreement.<br /><br />
85
86 Constantly,
87 I'd be there as emotional support. I'd help her with school<br />
88 work, talk
89 about her uncertain future. I tried being reassuring.<br />
90 Meanwhile, I
91 was slowly feeling worse and worse about myself.<br />
92 I never got
93 any of that affection returned to me. I'd invite her out,<br />
94 hoping that
95 if she stuck close to me for this long then I might still<br />
96 have a
97 chance to be there for her and her to be there for me.<br /><br />
98
99 We would get into fights.<br /><br />
100
101 Berating me.
102 I'm the one in the wrong. It's my fault. All of it is<br />
103 because I
104 couldn't shut my mouth and accept this asymetrical<br />
105 relationship
106 back in February.<br />
107 Every time,
108 I'd come back.<br />
109 Perserverance?
110 Stupidity?<br />
111 I still
112 don't know to this day.<br />
113 I'd be there
114 for her during hard times.<br />
115 I still
116 never got a pinch of affection.<br /><br />
117
118 I feel used.<br /><br />
119
120 It's been a
121 year now. October is coming to an end. A year and it all<br />
122 feels
123 useless. Time I wasted. People I could've met. All wasted because<br />
124 I believed
125 in someone not worth believing in.<br />
126 I had faith
127 in her.<br />
128 I asked her
129 why she refused to spend time with me when it wasn't about<br />
130 conforting
131 her and helping her with school.<br />
132 She told me
133 that she'd rather wait and that she was still hurt because<br />
134 of what
135 happened 8 months ago.<br />
136 I felt like
137 she wasn't ever going to give me a try.<br />
138 She was just
139 stringing me along for help and personal gain but had<br />
140 no intention
141 of letting me back into her life.<br />
142 That feels
143 so fucking pernicious.<br /><br />
144
145 Why would someone use me for personal
146 gratification? Was it something I did?<br /><br />
147
148 As I say my last goodbyes. I wonder.<br />
149 Is all really fair in love and war? Or was it all a mirage?<br /><br />
150
151 — Louis Dalibard, 10/27/2022. 12:25PM.
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